Busy season is over, summer is here, what better way to celebrate than a list of our Top 40 Accounting jokes?
1. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.
2. Two things in life are inevitable: death and taxes. At least death only happens once.
3. There are just two rules for creating a successful accountancy business: 1)Don’t tell them everything you know. 2) [Redacted]
4. For every tax problem there is a solution that is straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.
5. What does an accountant say when boarding a train? “Mind the GAAP.”
6. How do you know when an accountant is on holiday? He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8am!
7. What did the overworked asset say to the other asset? I feel so under depreciated.
8. Be audit you can be.
9. What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
10. A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.
“Oh No!” said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“Why?” asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”
“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will SEEM longer.”
11. How many accounts does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many did it take last year?
12. Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The IRS office is of the same opinion.
13. What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.? Lazy.
14. Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child, “No, son. It wouldn’t be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking.”
15. What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.
16. How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie them to a chair and mess up their excel formulas.
17. Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.
18. Why do accountants get excited at the weekends? Because they can wear casual clothes to work.
19. Did you hear about the deviant Forensic Accountant? He got his client’s charges reduced from gross indecency to net indecency.
20. There are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count and those who can’t.
21. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
22. What do you call an accountant without a calculator? Lonely.
23. How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.
24. Where there’s a will, there’s a tax shelter.
25. What would an accountant want for a superpower? Telepathy with an excel spreadsheet.
26. How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
27. What do you call a trial balance that doesn’t balance? A late night.
28. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
29. Why does Santa like visiting the UK? He can claim Gift Relief.
30. Accountants don’t die, they get derecognized.
31. America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer!
32. What’s the difference between death and taxes? Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.
33. Ever wonder why they call it a Form 1040? For every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40.
34. The best things in life are free — plus tax, of course.
35. Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.
36. Children may be tax deductible, but they’re still taxing.
37. A farmer sends his accounting sheepdog, Spot, off to gather in his 8 sheep. On returning the farmer is astonished to find he now has 10 animals in his pen and asks the dog to explain. “Woof! You asked me to round them up, woof”, barks Spot.
38. Why don’t skunks have to pay taxes? Because they only have one scent.
39. How do you know when an accountant’s having a mid-life crisis? He gets a faster calculator.
40. Welcome to the Accounting department, where everybody counts.